Small notes from being fully-encompassed, to coming out of depression.
Trigger warning
I was under very good care the entire time, and have made great improvements. If you struggle with any of these things there are some amazing resources that I’d be more than happy to help you with.
100 bad days make a 100 good stories. 100 good stories make me interesting at parties.
This is my story of overcoming depression.
Along with my reflection I wanted to make a cheeky video to show that you can have fun with getting better, trying to look at the bright side most days even if you are driven into the dark.
And it certainly had it’s dark days.
Day 1
Staring up into the leaves of the giant tree before me. Their shade broken by breaths of wind emitting a warm shimmer onto my arm.
I jostled the heavy box awkwardly between my arms. It was heavy, which made sense considering it was everything I owned. Sweat dripped between my shoulder blades as my heart pounded in my chest. I am back, now what?
Day 4
Did I not work hard enough? What else was I supposed to do? Make better choices? I am way to influenced by what’s around me. I don’t know who I am anymore.
So. Numb.
Day 7
Indy feels the stress.
Diarrhea and clumps of hair falling out stress.
So. Numb.
Day 10
My chair is awkwardly angled so I have to twist to look at her. After a while, I don’t bother and sit forward. The wall in front of me has faded beige wallpaper, and a framed photo of something completely indiscernible, but colorful. It smells of stale coffee and urine.
She asks me questions, slowly shaking her head back and forth as if my answers were wrong. She hands me packets of paper with printed words splayed and askew from being copied over and over. ‘These words would help me see the light again’. I begin to curl the corners of paper by the staple, and shrug.
Day 15
All I feel is shame.
I couldn’t do it anymore, my core had been shaken in its entirety. All of the things I promised to myself I would work on and achieve, things like confidence, living in the moment, experiencing life, all became clouded, and then one by one completely began to fade away.
It was obvious I wasn’t happy, but I couldn’t understand why. I was completely oblivious to what was happening around me. I knew deep down I was miserable, but how could such a thing be? Didn’t I have everything I wanted? And more?
Day 20
Wanting to choose the harder path to improve. Falling into the easy path because I’m not strong enough. Seeing happy people and immersing myself in them, but more so watching from the window and hiding inside.
Wishing I were dead because how much easier would this all be. Knowing if I were dead it was all for nothing.
Day 28
I’m right back to people trying to talk to me and I just drown out their words. I hear them and try to listen, but my own wallowing thoughts scream louder. Just put the video out there. Ask for my shit back. Try to cut some cords. Tomorrow will be better, right? As if the old me is fighting to get out of the locked room my misery has put her in. Banging on the door with bloodied knuckles. Doing what makes everyone else happy, because thats what makes me happy.
Day 35
Each day has small steps forward, and I can see that now whereas before it was beyond black.
But its a constant struggle with the distractions, the feeling of directional-less-ness. Even feeling lost now that I feel more like myself …. Its the cross roads of ‘Why am in all this extensive therapy again?’ I trust these therapists to find out, aide me on that journey, but it seems they rely heavily on my coming in and whining about things.
I don’t know.
Day 40
I felt more centered today. Chalk it up to yoga, or even being away from the MacBook instead of staring into its screen for the entire day. Good thing to realize… I’ve been diving deep in her waters all week, I do miss outside.
There. I said some good things.
Day 55
Overall I have this feeling like I can’t keep up? So much to do… and days waste away. I’m working on stuff, but man you just want to SEE SOMETHING.
A friend asked me what I’ve been doing. I literally drew a blank.
I’ve been doing stuff…right?
Writing, maybe a lot of writing. That’s a good answer for next time.
Day 65
What I need to do is write about the overcoming of depression. Create the new video to accompany it. It’s not that I’ve been putting it off, but shit it seems like I’ve been busy. ‘Doing less, achieving more’?
Day 70
Feels like I went from everything to nothing.
From confidence building to deep uncertainty.
From busy busy busy to complete standstill.
I only hope it is the medicine.
Day 80
Bi-polar?? I can’t accept it. I am backed by other people agreeing its not me. Literally feel like someone told me someone I know died.
Is it the answer? To everything?
I don’t want to tell anyone. This is one thing I’d like to take to the grave.
Gaining skills and control are all I can do to try to keep my world to myself.
Day 85
I feel like I need to have a super centering moment. Like a float session or reiki cleansing.
It has been such a whirlwind. I want to take a step back and chill, but its hard. I’ve purposefully filled my days with things – all good things – but all the things.
That feeling of I’ll never get anything done, only to not do anything to help myself get it done.
Day 90
Keep it positive and light.
Sure its been hard, everyone is always going through something, its how you deal and recover, not dwelling. Not letting it take room inside you.
The self love – love for yourself above all.
How to harness something that I never could imagine – because I always wanted based on others.
What if I looked at myself as my own soul mate? My own crush?
How would I treat me?
Day 100
I realized I am the only advocate for me, and to that I say FUCK YES. Who else do you know that is working this hard on themselves? Putting their mental health, physical health, and little pipe dreams all to the forefront? I love to sing, I’m terrified to sing in front of people, guess what I just accomplished? I’ve created so many new relationships with strangers that I now get to call friends, and it was ME, all ME.
I’ve got more work to do, but I can say every day I am waking up so grateful for each breath and experience. We’ve got this (in which I mean me, all me me me me 🙂 )
