I found this letter I wrote to myself during the summer before I left my apartment for good. I wanted to capture my incredibly happy & optimistic headspace, and I am SO glad I did. Maybe past me will inspire future you too 🙂
My sweetest darling me (or you in this case):
I had a lovely last evening in Delaware Park. With an excellent little high going on, my brain let me realize that I needed to have some reminder of why I left in the first place. Or if I start glamorizing brick and mortars again, or miss friends, or feel lost, so here we go.
One year seems so perfect! I feel like, for the first time in my entire life, I know how to be ….me. I’ve learned so much about relationships, family, tools in the toolbox, etc. I feel ready to REALLY go exploring. Before, it felt more like a facade, where this time I feel primed; such a huge difference for me. I feel like I’m leaving rehab, prepared to take on the world.
It all came together at the perfect timing. I feel it in my heart that it is time to go. I am trying to be observant and not ignore longing feelings, but remembering the tree neither longs for nor misses the birds.
All I know; there is too much to see!
Is it going to be easy? Hell no. I’m probably going to have panic attacks just being on the road after dark again. But I see that as being better than shoving my face full of food in front of the tv, half-drunk, fully brain-numbed. The comfort I loved and appreciated, but it’s not healthy – and this is a great way to break out of that. To challenge yourself. Find that nirvana you long for – the people you know exist- you see your aura coming to light and changing…. obviously by the people being manifested into your life! Only the brightest will come to your flame now; all the skills, and boundaries, and fighting for myself seems like I opened another doorway to the type of souls like my own. As if a level was finally completed.
Brick and mortar….I KNOW. You know you’re not going to be on the road forever, probably not even a full year, but it gives us the chance to live the way we wanted to! (We-lol, I know bear with me)
I can sit here and type that I loved living in the truck and am excited to go back. I know I probably have forgotten the stress/guilt of finding things to do with Indy and leaving him, and there is so much that he won’t be able to see, but I’m hoping with the added legroom in the new topper, it can be a safe space for him.
I want to find the golden farm place. Sure it’s crazy and out there, but it seriously feels right. And that IS my happy place. I want to make it happen, and I have a good feeling it will and will connect everything and everyone.
And I want a hot ass man to fall in love with gorgeous me. No drama. If I don’t drool when I look at you, it’s not going to work. If you don’t affirm thoughts and feelings with me, aren’t into super touchy, and tons of sex, it will not work. I’m dreaming of being tiny in his arms. My heart in my chest full of love and assuredness. He loves to surprise me. We’re always exploring new places and the same places because they’re too good & we both love a solid repeat. He can’t keep his hands off me, and we often tuck into undisclosed locations for entanglements.
Overall, I want to get across that sure, this is scary, and this is for sure the easy part of just ‘ditching.’ I genuinely feel like my time here is done, for now. The people I met here are a tiny sample of what I will find out there! I have to believe that! I have to TRY. Put into the universe what you desire! Focus on what you do want, not what you don’t. Be grateful.
Every single day I have lived here, I have been so grateful for a perfectly safe space to work on me. It is not something to be missed, but something to be cherished. Look back and appreciate, but do not long, for then you make the wrong turn—longing for something you cannot have right at that moment. When something leaves, something arrives.
This last blather is my favorite part, reliving the moment with past me, the me that had no idea where the now me would be, reading this.
Well, jeez, I hope this makes sense and is helpful in the future. I just ordered some Pho & about to take my last Crescent shower and settle in for the night. It was a longgggg day of cleaning, and I will miss this place. But I cannot imagine staying. It is time. We got this.
Excited for the next year, which starts tomorrow.